First of all, I think it is really brave of you to put such intimate thoughts into words and share them with others. Your confusion is normal and I believe a lot of times God uses these things to draw us to him for HIS purpose. I do not have the answers to your question, but I know that you cannot pray too hard or too little. You can only pray sincerely. Before you do anything, you have to ask God what his purpose for your life is, we do not live for ourselves( I know easier said than done). The satisfaction and gratifrication you are searching for can only be found in Christ. The living water that quenches all thirst.
You then need to learn contentment in your priorities.( This has really helped me).You decide what is important you and become content in those things, even when desire for other things crop up. You stick with what is important to you and find joy in that.
God's grace and mercy is sufficient, exceeding more than we could ever ask or think. Seek his face earnestly and you will find more than what you seek. Thats my 2 cents. God bless you!
P.S I will think on this and give you another response!
