Response To Esther

First of all, I think it is really brave of you to put such intimate thoughts into words and share them with others. Your confusion is normal and I believe a lot of times God uses these things to draw us to him for HIS purpose. I do not have the answers to your question, but I know that you cannot pray too hard or too little. You can only pray sincerely. Before you do anything, you have to ask God what his purpose for your life is, we do not live for ourselves( I know easier said than done). The satisfaction and gratifrication you are searching for can only be found in Christ. The living water that quenches all thirst.

You then need to learn contentment in your priorities.( This has really helped me).You decide what is important you and become content in those things, even when desire for other things crop up. You stick with what is important to you and find joy in that.

God's grace and mercy is sufficient, exceeding more than we could ever ask or think. Seek his face earnestly and you will find more than what you seek. Thats my 2 cents. God bless you!

P.S I will think on this and give you another response!

I am 26, i have two beautiful children, i am married ; i am not satisfied with my life. I want more, the only problem is i dont think i know what i really want. I think i want to go back to school, i cannot afford to save to go back to school on my current salary. I think that if i was to get a better paying job that i enjoyed doing, i wouldnt be so dissatisfied. Im considering going to the American Graduate School or Le Cordon Bleu cooking school. I like cooking and i like trying to make new and different things. I love food network and all the things i have learned from it. It fuels my joy for cooking and makes me want to cook more and . It also makes me feel that i could make a career and a life out of it. On one hand, my fear that i am not passionate enough or that its just a phase makes me hesitant to commit. EUR 40 000 is way more than i can afford to throw away (which is what il be doing if i make a decision based on a whim) Interestingly if i took the other path, thats approximately how much tuition will cost me (if i went to AGS)
Whenever i feel like i need to talk to someone i feel like im going through the wrong chanels if i consider talking to a counsellor of some sort. So i would normally just pray and leave it a that. I cant help but feel that i dont pray hard enouh or that im not good enough and thats why i feel all this confusion. (i know this thought is flawed.. i know that its only by God's grace, favor and mercy that i get blessed). I feel so weighed down sometimes, i just want to scream in frustration. I try to think about all God has done for me to remind myself that my life isnt as bad as it feels but it doesnt help. I dont know where to even start. I prayed when i started feeling the heaviness. I guess i should pray some more. I seem to know what God's word tells me in my head(about overcoming and all that) but i cannot reconcile the two right now. It feels like im am in the dark feeling around for God knows what. I keep remembering that a divided mind gets nothing from God and it makes me sink deeper in despair, because i feel i want too many things (some for wrong reasons) and i dont know what to do.

my struggle

Sin is knocking at my door
At first it was a hint, subtle, soft
Now its insistent, hard , knocking
And it just wont go away
Its playing its oh so seductive tune
And im slowly swaying to it
One step, one move, one beat at a time

After the first few lines , i realise thats my flesh talking
Pure, unadulterated, selfish flesh
And it made me ashamed
Because instead of rebuking it, im indulging it
Im sitting here listening to Joyce Meyer
And she is so right when she says
That most of us christians
Are more educated than our level of obedience
Im a clear example
I need help. Lets help each other out. Im sure we take it for granted (i know i do) when we pray for our friends and family, we donorealise how far that prayer goes. Lets pray fo each other more. Let's be eah other's support systems.
I know i need a support system

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love...

I have always thought this verse was a very powerful verse. I still think it is.. and yet i fall short of it alot of the time.. Is this your definition of love and are you living it.

PS. I think im going to be using this space to get some opinions on some stuff i have written. Some of these pieces are very intimate but i guess if i cant let you guys read them, then no one ever will and im hoping to put them to use some day ....maybe put them all together for my kids or something else. I dont know; but in the mean time think about 1st Corinthians chapter 13.

My Truth

I am opinionated (which is just another way of saying I think I am always right), proud, verbally explosive (captain in verbal combat), and oh yes before I forget I’m a woman. I wish I could remember all these things when I’m mad at my husband, at that time all I see are his faults. We’ve been married for 3 years this November, we are still pretty much newlyweds in a sense, sometimes we feel like veterans. Several months into our marriage, I felt “tricked”, this is not what I bargained for I thought nor the man I married I said to my husband. Truth is he is the man I married not the man I dated. To borrow from Paul Tripp’s teachings, the dating game is like used car sales. You are trying so hard to sell yourself to the other person that you do things you wouldn’t otherwise do, like spending hours watching a football game or window shopping.

Another thing I realized is that, when dating you see each other only periodically, however when you are married you practically breathe the same air. This new found intimacy, although sometime exhilarating, can become stifling causing irritations. If you find yourself exasperated after a few months of being married, know that you are not alone. Marriage is one of the most beautiful unions that God created to make us know him better. I learned something profound in one of my marriage counseling lessons. When you shake a water bottle, water come out. Nothing comes out of us that is not already there. We may think that our spouse causes us to respond in a certain way, however if we respond in anger it is because there is anger in us. My husband makes me mad by leaving crumbs on the counter top, he did not put anger in me, his actions may have shaken me up like the water bottle, however my response is entirely my responsibility.

Taking responsibility for my actions in this way helps me to watch the way I respond to the situations that arise in our marriage. This principle can be used for whatever relationship you are in, as a son, daughter, girlfriend and friend. So this is my truth, I hope it helps some of you out there.
Eternally blessed,
Tsotsoo